I hate the concept of a New Year’s Resolution. For years I faithfully made them in an effort to be better than what I was the previous year. But while the idea of a ‘new start’ is a good one, marketing tactics and low self worth can blow the concept out of proportion; making you feel like you are ridiculously fat, lazy and stupid (sometimes all three at once) which makes you give into the product du jour that will help you “live your best life.”
Now, my personal self worth is much higher than it was during my years of countless resolutions. However, I’m still not one who is inclined to try to change my personal habits during this time of year. Winter is hard enough on someone with chronic illness and pain. Instead of trying a new routine, I need to spend my energy trying to get the daily work and chores done, then spend what little is left seeking out warmth and rest.
At least, that is what I used to do in a normal winter. This one, feels like I will need to do more than that to ensure I don’t fall back into what I can only call the despair of the past summer.
But I don’t know if I want to call my new tactics a resolution. I simply have realized this past year that I am still not taking care of myself the way I need to. Now that isn’t to say that I haven’t been doing a decent job trying. I have been, but I wouldn’t be honest with myself if I didn’t say that with my current self care tools, I barely got through this past summer. And since some of the stressors summer are still in place, I need to find better ways to handle things. And I think I might have stumbled on something that would help.
This past week in the mornings, I started to ask myself a question. The question was, ‘What could my body and state of mind accomplish for the day?’ Sometimes the answer was that I could complete everything on my mental to do list. Other days, I couldn’t do as much. But either way, the question was really forcing me to focus on my own personal needs. And focusing more on my own personal needs may be a game changer when dealing with the rest of this winter.
Thinking logically, it makes perfect sense. Someone with a chronic illness has limited physical and mental energy, and I have to ensure that every last bit of it is utilized effectively, and is used in my best interest. The former, I do very well. The latter, not so much. Yet thinking about my own best interest is in some ways more important than what I can get done during the day. Thinking about myself means I will be healthier overall, where as a completed to do list coming at the expense of no mental energy means I’m more susceptible to panic attacks and depression. Sure, I have medications for the anxiety and depression that I could rely on, but one thing I know for certain is that I can’t fully rely on medications. When it comes to mental health, medications are a great aid, but they will never fully cure the issue. This is especially true with the root cause of your anxiety and depression are a physical chronic illness.
So, here’s the plan, or the ‘resolution’ for the new year: After getting up in the morning and becoming fully awake, I’m going to gauge what physical and mental strength I have, and then figure out what can be done on my mental to-do lists for the day. Then I will arrange my day around that. There will be days I may have to push a little (I still have to go to work regularly), but on those days, I can find other things that will bring some comfort.
I still have the tools I talked about in the last post that I continue to use, and to some, it may sound like I’m simply adding to my mental to do list for each day, which may become overwhelming. But I think asking myself what I can accomplish will simply help sharpen my perspective on the day. Perhaps the answer to the question will mean that I have to do some easy form of yoga for 30 minutes instead of trying to walk in the cold weather with the hubby and the dog like I had planned. Perhaps it means I need to consider taking a stronger medication for pain, or be extra gentle with myself and my work load. Sure, I may not always be able to rearrange the things I need to do that day (there is still a full time job that I must do), but by becoming in tune with what it is I really need, I can end the day more comfortably than simply collapsing on a couch for a couple hours and then painfully walking up the stairs to bed.
And now that I’ve written and re-read this, I might as well call this question what it is. I have a new years resolution. But for once, this one has me looking toward the new year with a bit of hope.