Through the years I’ve heard a lot of people attempt to sympathize or relate to fibro sufferers when they are flaring. And while many of these sayings were spoken with good intentions, they end up hurting instead.
Remember, Fibromyalgia is an indeterminate diagnosis, so many people who have the disease have to fight to simply prove that they are disabled in the first place; many times even fighting their own thoughts because we have been so shamed about claiming a ‘fake’ illness.
So for this post, I want to list things I’ve heard over the years and why I don’t want to hear them. And I’ll add some encouraging things too, just to give some ideas of things that make me feel supported or loved.
“But you don’t look sick!”
Ahh, the classic saying that is not only said about Fibro, but also MCAS, POTS, EDS and many other illnesses. Just because I don’t look sick doesn’t mean that I’m not. And if this is meant as a compliment, it’s doing a pretty bad job of being one. Because what you are really saying is I’m doing a really good job hiding being sick.
The truth is that those of us who have these illnesses don’t want to have them. We want to be able to do things we like and not need additional aids or help getting day to day tasks done. But we can’t always be independent. And saying we look like we should be just furthers the pain and frustration that we can hide very well that which makes us sick.
“Well, I have <fill in the blank>”
If you are trying to sympathize by sharing an illness you have, you aren’t doing a good job of sympathizing. The last two times I heard this statement, it was someone telling me they have arthritic hands, and the second was a headache (NOT a Migraine…a headache). I can, without a doubt, tell you that having a fibromyalgia flare up is worse than either of these two. When you can’t walk up the stairs, drive a car or barely turn a page in a book because your entire arm hurts, then we might be able to compare pain. Not to mention the fact that a fibromyalgia flare lasts much, much longer than a simple headache can.
“You know, many others feel the same way as you.”
This one really hurt, especially because it was someone that I looked up to at one time saying it. This person didn’t know anything about fibromyalgia, and my attempts to even explain it to them were useless.
But even though many people suffer from fibromyalgia, you cannot compare chronic pain with this disease. Let someone with fibromyalgia compare pain with another sufferer. Don’t throw everyone in the same boat. We all have different thresholds of pain levels, we all have different flare triggers, and different sites of pain. Chronic pain is bad, but it is different in intensity as well as significantly different areas being targeted by pain. A Chronic pain patient could have Chronic back pain, ankle pain, or arm pain. In Fibromyalgia, the pain is constant, and it’s everywhere in your body.
Ultimately, everyone is unique, and everyone must be allowed to express their pain. Trying to simply group fibro patients in with Chronic pain patients (or other maladies) doesn’t do any of us justice. Everyone isn’t me, and everyone isn’t having pain right now. Realize too, that this isn’t about feeling special. It’s about feeling heard and understood; something fibro sufferers rarely are.
“You are going through a flare? So this really hurts?” <Smacks my arm>
Yep! This happened. And by a family member. He wasn’t expecting me to break into tears after hitting me either. The lesson here – If a fibro sufferer says something hurts, DO NOT test that. I think it’s one of the absolute worst things you can do.
And just for the record, I did get him back a couple of months later – in the martial art I studied, I learned where some very painful pressure points are. He got a nice (touch controlled) punch to a rib pressure point that took his breath away.
So instead of saying something above, how about saying one of these things, instead?
“I’m sorry you are hurting. Would <this> help?”
Just the acknowledgement from someone that they see me in pain is a comfort. Being willing to help with getting a door, finding a chair to sit in or a place to rest for a moment is huge. It doesn’t have to be much, but it makes us feel supported, which can actually help us relax and maybe even lessen the pain level slightly.
“That sounds brutal! Tell her I’m thinking about her.”
This was said by the same person that made the ‘others feel the same way’ comment above. The context was my husband telling the person that I would not make an engagement because I was in so much pain. The person recognized I was in pain and using the term ‘brutal’ in his response actually meant a lot because they validated that I really WAS in that large amount of pain and had no chance of making the event.
“I am glad to see you/thank you for coming out”
Many times fibro sufferers can’t make events or engagements because of the pain levels. We aren’t trying to simply cancel all the time, we just don’t know what our pain levels are going to be like. Sometimes the fact that we made it at all is astonishing. So if we made the effort, it might because we are pushing through just to see you. Too many people take it for granted that someone with fibro can just go anywhere. That isn’t always the case.
Overall, just recognizing that yes, fibromyalgia IS a disease and causes widespread pain and that we who have it CAN be disabled is huge. Keep that in mind when you are talking to someone with the disease, and you can help us feel supported and not feel like so much a burden.